Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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