After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
