Moan for me like Helen Keller
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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