whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
