When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
