I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just found a bag of teeth...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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