Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
