totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
