ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
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