i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
