I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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