Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
