dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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