She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
