Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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