I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
