I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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