Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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