bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
