no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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