I bet he comes in French.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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