Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
