I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm passing your future prison.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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