Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
