when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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