I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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