anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
