Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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