I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
