bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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