Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
