Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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