you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
