Do you still have your period?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I have fence marks all over my body
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
