I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
