I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
