don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
