Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
