On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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