I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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