I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
