When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
