I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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