this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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