Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
