highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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