Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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