dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
