i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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