haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
